Selamta
I want to talk about RasTafari King and Queen Conduct...in relationships...in finding and keeping or being with a KingMan or Empress.
Only because I know some Sistren are struggling with relationship issues with their husbands - and have expressed these feelings towards I. They feel (and rightly so) that it is a topic that I should revisit on RastaWifeLine. And I know that I have slacked off in dealing with these more personal yet popular and troublesome issues in the community in favour of Wellness and Livity. But I realize now that many of you value my opinion on these things that affect our lives so strongly, and more importantly, look to RastaWifeLine for comfort as much as knowledge. So I apologize to my Sistren for not fulfilling more of these personal needs beyond wellness.
First of all, what I say, is not because my life is perfect, or because I have it all together and I believe myself to be "most-holy" or that I am being judgmental. I don't have a perfect life or relationship - but I am fortunate to have a stable home life because InI are committed to one another and stay faithful through thick and thin. InI believe in hard work and doing what is necessary to satisfy each other - and even in this we aren't perfect, there are things I wish he would do more and things he wishes I would do more. And so sometimes InI may disagree and argue, but these times are few and far in between, and InI put family first over all else.
Now, having said that, I address the issue that way too many Rastafari couples are battling today: cheating and polygamy.
I-Majesty Haile Sellassie is our benchmark for relationships - He and Empress Menen were married for many many years, sharing many joys and sorrows, They struggled to protect Themselves and the Royal household from being murdered by Mussolini. They were forced to flee their home and comfortable living to seek refuge in Bath England - living in poverty and hardship in exile. They were then forced to live separately throughout the exile as well - Her Majesty moved to Eyerusalem because Her health suffered in the cold and damp weather in England. They then came together again to rebuild Ethiopia after 1941 until the Empress transitioned on February 15th 1962.
It was not an easy road but They loved and supported one another in good times and in the very bad times.The Emperor even created the Fidelity Award for Ethiopians who were joined in holy and loyal matrimony. It was an important covenant -marriage, especially when endorsed by the Church.
Both the Emperor and Empress were previously married in civil marriages - marriage that was arranged for economic and political purposes. Such marriages could easily be annulled or expired at will, but a Church Marriage, which They had, was considered holy and sanctioned by the Almighty.
But this is not to say that They lived free of marital problems!
In the book King of Kings written by Ras Kassa's grandson Asserate, he divulged a family secret: that the Emperor once
considered leaving Menen for a Princess of Tigray in 1930! This princess was extremely beautiful, and it would have been a political alliance that would have benefited the Emperor when He ascended the throne. But His cousin who was like His brother and best friend, Ras Kassa Asserate, talked Tafari out of it! It was a ridiculous idea. Empress Menen's reaction, (for the author, Asserate had overheard the Empress telling his own mother the story) was that if Tafari had left her, she would have married his enemy Ras Hailu. She would not have taken such a slight, lying down, as InI would say.
When I read this I was shocked, as I am sure you are too; but not so shocked that I couldn't believe it, for They are real people in a real marriage, and Ethiopia at that time had very unstable marriage laws and practices as I mentioned. No marriage is ever free from outside influence, or from its own internal problems no matter how it looks on the outside. He truly was like King David and Solomon, in having experiences with women and their beauty. Even His own father as well, for Ras makonnen left his wife for Lady Yeshimebet, because she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
The lesson to learn is that They did the right thing over any feelings or agendas They may have had. Tafari was
counselled in the right manner, and given good advice by His closest ally. He didn't do something so drastic, thinking only of HIMSelf and not His wife or children. He loved His Family dearly and always ensured that they were provided for in spite of His political goals.
So why can't Bredren do what's right in spite of their own goals? Today are Bredren giving one another good counsel? Are they raspecting the covenant of marriage? Are they honouring the vows they made to their wives? Are Bredren doing everything in their power to provide for their children and their women?
Many Bredren are cheating on their wives, failing to support their children, and forcing them into polygamous marriages and lifestyles which is wrong. A polygamous marriage is not supposed to be one where the women are fighting against one another, hiding from one another, hating one another. A polygamous marriage is a compound family and union between man and women who agree to live cordially and raspectfully - in my naïve opinion. The women create schedules among themselves, distributing the care of their husband, children and home. It works for everybody, and when it doesn't it is mutually resolved and raspected.
It cannot function without mutual agreements, otherwise, the first wife will always be the loser, the one feeling betrayed, disraspected and unloved. A wombman is the backbone of the family, and while she is expected to carry-on for the sake of the family, never showing signs of weakness - this is an unreasonable request or expected behaviour, for she has feelings and she needs to feel supported and honoured by her man to be her best self. When a wombman has a baby for you Bredren, she expects you to defend her and provide for her and give her all the love and attention she needs to be a Queen - it is not to say she shouldn't also be independent or have strong self esteem on her own, but she also needs to know she matters, this is just how a relationship works!
And what bothers me more than the selfish and promiscuous ways of Bredren, who idolize Solomon and Bob Marley; is the behaviour of the "outside" Wombman. How can a Dawta call herself a Virtuous Dawta if she is willingly pursuing a king who has a family? How can she call herself a Dawta of Menen if she is willing to destroy another wombman's marriage! This makes me sick to my stomach when I hear my Sistren talking about what other dawtas say and do to them!
Just because you see a man who is attractive doesn't mean you have to bed him. Just because a man gives you chat - which a man can't help but do - doesn't mean that you immediately claim him and imagine a future with him! What's more, do your research before you bed him, because a man will lie to get those panties down! And RastaMan dem seem to think they are entitled to this! In my opinion, too many Rastaman seeking to be a musical superstar which promotes promiscuity. InI need our kings to do other works that have greater value - doctors, lawyers, teachers, healers, builders, farmers! A raspectable life, not one that is filled with party and getting high.
Dawtas, don't ever think to yourself that his wrongs can be your rights! Don't ever think it is right to pursue another woman's husband, and throw it in her face - showing up at her gates cussing and threatening her to leave your relationship alone, sending her emails, trolling her social media, befriending her friends to make her feel insignificant and replaced! You cannot be here to replace her, especially when she has this man's children! You are making a fool of yourself and making a total mockery of Rastafari! And it is totally disraspectful to us all as a Sisterhood. And when he hides you away, and everything you do is in secret, you are living a lie that will damage you just as badly as her.
And Bredren this is true time and time again, you believe that you have a right to have as many women as you please, and refuse to accept any fingers pointed in your direction! You think that sweet talk and sex can get you everywhere all the time, but in the end you are only making yourself left dependable and less deserving of any wombman's attention, raspect or love. You betray the one who would give you the world for the sexual novelty of another. It isn't right to "chain up a woman's head" with "sweet nothings" - especially when you have a family at home somewhere! It isn't right to think you have a right to do what you want, with no repercussions, when you get home. To disappear for days or weeks at a time, and then reappear home with lies. It hurts your woman and your children. And when she has finally gotten herself together, picked up the pieces and moved on - you show up trying to topple what dignity she has left. You also wish to prevent her from finding another man who will treat her better than you "because those are your kids."
The inconsistencies and the ridiculous attitudes are not getting us anywhere - these issues make us like Babylon. These relationship patterns degrade the Rastafari Nation. It needs to stop - just like the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE needs to STOP.
So overall, in any relationship struggle, my main piece of advice is to WORK HARD on the relationship, and NEVER TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED! SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER, COMMUNICATE PROPERLY and RASPECTFULLY. LISTEN AND HONOUR EACH OTHER's WISHES. BE TRUE TO SELF and to JAH, DON'T LIE TO YOURSELVES OR EACH OTHER.
How else can a mature and strong relationship last?
There is no happy home if only one person is struggling to fix things, to do what's right and just. It is an equal partnership. As long as you agree on the type of life you wish to live, and work equally hard to achieve that comfort level, then life can be stable and happy and last a long time! Why jeopardize a happy home for someone you really don't know. Why rush things with someone because of a physical attraction? Build on solid ground.
So I am asking you Bredren and Sistren, to do better, to act better and be better. Don't let your flesh rule your life. Think of others before yourself, and honour the promises you make - but don't make promises that are immoral either. And finally, Dawtas, don't think to yourself that you can change a man, don't take a man from his wife and then expect that he will be faithful to you. It is a continuous cycle and everyone will get burned - including the poor innocent yutes who are born from these unions.
What are we doing to one another Rastafari? Consider this. Dawtas should be working together not against one another. Get it together, conduct yourselves with pride and goodness. I know the flesh is weak, I know that sometimes we meet others who we are attracted to, but think before you act, and put righteousness first - I'm not talking about what the Bible says, but the basic hueman Iniversal laws of right and wrong, good and bad. Good vibes can be shared without leading to sex.You can't be Iritual and talk about living in the Light, if you are doing wrong things, making immoral decisions. Hypocrisy can't win for InI.
Any Dawta who feels the need to lash out at another, who wants to compete with other Sistren rather than unite with them, or who wants the life that another Dawta is living, has to really heal herself from her past life - she needs to take a giant step back and look at herself, her values and attitudes. Fix yourself and your ideals first and one day you can obtain a good man - one who is free to be with you and one who will strengthen you and build you up! Unless a Dawta is willing to be in a polygamous marriage, you must leave her family alone! Think about how you would feel if she had done that to you instead, put the shoe on the other foot and I guarantee that you would not like it!
And finally, Let InI be able to move forward and forgive one another as husband and wife. If you want to fix your relationship, be earnest about it and own up to your past mistakes. Be accountable for what you have done and do your best not to be that person anymore, especially because that person hurt used and abused others. Don't worry about what other people will say, you have to live your own life. There is no shame in wanting to put your family back together - just be sure not to go back if things have not improved. Actions speak louder than words, and a Dawta needs convincing action more than convincing words. TRUST is key to putting things right again, be worthy of that trust and earn that trust, don't betray that trust, because you have to think about how you can negatively affect others who depend on it.From all the wrongs you made in your past, let that part of you die and be reborn as a better person. to regret and to feel remorse is to avoid the same mistakes and destructive patterns.
So I hope that ones will seriously consider these words, and give good counsel to those around you, and take heed of your own thoughts and ways. I am not looking to point fingers and make ones feel bad about themselves, I am here to defend those sistren who message me in pain and I stand for the IDEAL that is being buried under social culture. Don't hide in the darkness, that is no way to live. Take my words as encouragement to do better, to admit to the wrongs in your life so that you may move forward. Rastafari cannot be like Christianity - the blood of a fictitious character cannot save anybody, nor can reading the Scriptures alone - you cannot do wrong and think that prayer or attending service is somehow going to fix everything. SELF ACCOUNTABILITY - it is your desire to live a life in union with Kristos (knowledge and illumination of truth within) that will see you through. Once you know JAH truly, you will live a good life.
I Livicate the entire album THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL to all Dawtas who are feeling it on both sides of this equation. Listen to Ms Hill's words and heal.
May JAH bless and protect and inspire ones to goodness,
Ila
